It seems that of late, God is determined to make of me what He wills, and the process can be rather painful. I spent last night crying because I had hurt someone with a stray comment. My comment was nice to someone who was mean to them, and could be seen as encouragement for it. Besides wounding one of God’s precious creatures, I destroyed months of build up in dialogue and mutual respect. My retarded notions that anything I can say would help anyone came crashing down over my head. Why such a big reaction to what may seem to others like a tiny incident? Because I actually care. I care how what I say affects people.
In my last blog post, I said “We never know the effect our words may have on others.” This is true in the negative sense as well, and I was not careful enough. The most painful part for me is the realization that although what we say can affect others negatively, I can never say something so that I affect someone in a good way. If anything I do helps another, it is not my work, it is God’s work alone. Sinful creature that I am, it’s a miracle if God chooses to use me for His work, but I must never presume to do such a thing under my own power. This is my pride crumbling from under me.
This past week, I also had an encounter with a rather hostile group of people. They praise learning, intelligence, and academia. With the thin excuse that maybe my academic achievements might qualify me to be heard by them, I took the opportunity to flaunt what I have always been proud of. I was force fed my pride back to me on a platter. It’s a hard thing to swallow.
I don’t know if I have the heart to continue in a work that I know myself to be claiming for my own rather than God’s. Perhaps I should take time off from blogging this Lent. I know I should skip the rest on my reading list and go straight to Come Be My Light. Mother Teresa seemed painfully aware every step of the way that she could do nothing, that only God could work through her. It’s a good lesson for me to learn.
So I ask everyone to pray for me. Please pray that God may utterly destroy this pride I cling to and instead turn my heart to Him alone. Pray that He will check me when I could hurt one of His precious creatures and lead me instead in brotherly love.